


Castiel's Diary

by CastielLover20



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-03-18 23:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13692405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielLover20/pseuds/CastielLover20
Summary: Castiel has been human a long time now. He looks depressed. He can't handle any of his human feelings. He struggles to keep himself alove. Dean is with him. They have admitted their love to each other but after what happened to Castiel, Castiel closed to hinself and shuting Dean out. Now he writes his own diary, hoping is a way not to drown his feelings and feel better.Well I thought to do something like a tiny fanfic series with the diary of a depressed human castiel. I will post every time I feel ok to do so.





	1. # Day 1

I knew that the pain once would end. I knew that I would find myself again. My good old self. The one that saw the whole world like a miracle. The one that had more questions that someone could answer. The one that saw a deeper meaning into everything. Now? The only thing I could think was how to end this day. How to end this as more painless as I could.

I knew I wasn’t alone. I had Dean with me. I had him next to me, saying me that he loved me, that he would always be here to hear me. And I believed him. I fucking believed him. And then I had no idea where to turn and ask for help. Ask for someone to hear me. Just to hear me. Because I had so pain inside me that Dean didn’t deserve to know. Being human was more difficult to me than anyone. I was in the top of the world and I fell in a moment. Like my whole past, my experiences was actually nothing.

By closing to myself I protected the people I loved. I protected them from my despair. No one deserved to live what I lived. No one should ever take that much pain alone. And Dean sees that I pain. He can see how broken my soul is. He just sees into my eyes and I can understand he gets everything. At the beginning he was mad at me. That I was closing to myself. He was yelling at me. I was crying and Sam did his best to make me feel better. Later Dean started understanding that he wasn’t the problem. I was. Me and my past. Today I managed to eat a little. He came to my room and gave me a toast. I wasn’t hungry, but the look on his face… Begging me to eat. He didn’t have to talk. I thanked him and ate. He sat with me silently for a few time and he left me to sleep now. I just hoped that I would be able by writing my thoughts to feel better. I know it is stupid but… I should try to sleep now…


	2. # Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I did my best, this is way worst than the previous chapter. I hate that I post this. I wish I could write more but this is what my mind says that is enough for that day. Hope is not that bad and you won't suffer.

This is my second time I write here. I feel so stupid doing this. But I have to try… I have to try to do something to get away from the misery that slowly drowns me… I feel my heart breaking even more every day. I thought I could manage it but I have no idea what to do. I am powerless, hopeless, faithless…

Today Dean came to my room, early at morning. He seemed really tired. His eyes were red and puffy. I was laying on my bed, sleepless for a lot of days. I have this strange thing with my sleep. I can’t sleep for days, and when I do, I sleep really long and deep. And still, I feel exhausted.

Dean sat in the bed, next to me and turned off my television. “Cas, you are here for days. You need sleep. Food.” he said to me. He seemed really worried. I was doing my best to look fine for him and Sam but I just couldn’t. He sighed and took my hand.

“Sam and I found a case near here. An easy case with vampires. You want to come? You are in this room for days. You need some fresh air. Please” But being out again scared me. I was scared that I will be back in that awful place. That they would found me again and take me back there. I refused and Dean looked at me even sadder. “Cas, you once loved helping people, what happened now? I mean, I know you are scared. But everything is over now. I am here. You are here. Come to the hunt. Helping humans again will make you feel better. Trust me” he said with a soft voice. I still didn’t want to leave my room. I still couldn’t join them to the hunt.

“You have to go with Sam. I’ll stay here. I’ll be fine. I am too exhausted to do anything. I don’t have the energy to come with you.” I said honestly. I truly couldn’t. I was a mess since I become mortal. And I preferred to stay in my silence and loneliness. It was easier for me.

Dean looked at me sadly and hugged me tight immediately. I didn’t hug back. I was just starring to nowhere with a lost gaze. Nothing could ease my pain now. Not even his hug. He kissed my cheek and rubbed my back. I wanted to cry and I held my tears. “I am not going to leave you. Ever. I’ll stay with you. Just let me help you” he said as he starred to me, holding my face. I had changed a lot. I left a beard, my face had scars and I had no relationship with the angel I once was. I nodded at Dean and laid to my bed again, Dean laid next to me, gently hugging me. I had a long time to sleep but for the first time I slept without nightmares. I was that exhausted. I woke up a few hours ago. Dean kissed my cheek and left saying Sam needed him. It was a lie. I knew it was. He wanted to leave me alone or to be left alone.


	3. # Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this is way worst than yhe previous. Just want to make clear that this is a version of another human!cas and not our boy that Metatron tricked him. Metatron don't even belong to my story. Castiel lost his grace with another way that I'll say in the next chapters.

It is really difficult to sleep. I just can't. My whole body hurts. My scars are hurting even more as time pass. I thought they would heal but they get even worse. And the worst part they remind me the whole time of this awful place. It is a permanent reminder of what I've been through. I really want my life to end.

Today again Dean came to my room. He is close to my situation. Exhausted, tired. I think he lost weight. His hair is messy and his clothes wrinkled. He sat next to me again. I was a big mess. He looked at me full of sadness. "Cas, please." He took my hand to get up and sit in the bed. He crossed his arm around me and hugged me softly. Suddenly he took off my suit jacket, my vest and my shirt with my tie. I didn't have the power to complain and resist. "Dean, I don't want now... Please, I don't have the power" I said thinking that Dean wanted us to do something that now I didn't.

"Cas, don't leave yourself like that. It is not what you think. Just let me help you. You need a shower. You need to take care of yourself." That's what he said. And I leaned to his shoulder, wanted to cry. I felt so fragile, so broken. I wanted to scream.

He gently hugged me. He took me to the bathroom. He almost carried me to the bathroom. He put me on the tab and opened the water. As the water fell to my body I felt a bit relieved. I sighed and he did his best to help me shower. But I was just curled up, hugging my knees, sitting froze as he washed my hair.

He took me out of the tub and I took a towel to dry. I felt so exhausted and I sat for a minute on the floor, breathing deep and stable. Dean seemed even more worried. He took a razor and shaved me. Yes, I had left a beard. I wasn't able to care about how I looked. Not now. The whole time that Dean took care of me, dressed me, I was just starring with an empty gaze. I was feeling so helpless.

I don't want him to see me like that. But I have no choice. I didn't want him to take care of me like I was a damn child. I know he wanted to help, but I didn't want help. I just wanted him to be ok. And being like that, I was being a burden to him and Sam. He watched me, at the worst time in my life. And I hated it. He deserved more. Not to take care of my broken little soul. I know that he did that with his heart but I hurt him like hell. And this is the less I want now.

He took me to the bed. Both of us laid to the bed. Dead silence in the room. I shivered and Dean hugged me and covered us with the blanket.

Dean slept, but I couldn't again. I am sitting in the bathroom now. I try so hard. Dean is sleeping outside in my bed. I don't know what to do. I think to take the medications that Dean said but I don't know the side effects and I can't handle them too... I should go inside again before Dean realizes that I am not next to him.


	4. # Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this a really tiny chapter and it sucks but I am out of ideas right now and I do my best.

Tonight I finally slept for an hour till Dean woke me by mistake. He didn't want this, but he slammed the door really loud when he got in my room, and I twitched. He started apologizing, but I was really tired to tell him that it was ok.

"Claire called" he said to me with a sad, apologising tone. "You should call her. She found you and saved you" he said and I got mad at him. I yelled him to get out. I didn't want to remember anything from that day. He understood and left without saying a word. I didn't like to yell at him but the fact that he spoke for that day again... How he thought I wasn't grateful to Claire? I was, I just didn't have the power to call her! Or face her. He just couldn't understand that I wasn't strong enough to see anyone now.   
And I appreciated what Claire did but she was a reminder of that day. That day that I appeared on road bleeding, full of cuts, scared in the edge of the road. That day that I was mostly dead from the tortures in heaven and she found me, freaked out, terrified, shaking in the memories of what I’ve been through. She was confused, she had never seen me like that before. No one, to be honest.

Still now, two weeks later, I am really scared to restore these memories. I am scared that I’ll go insane. Something that I already am, in a point. Afraid to go outside , to talk to people, to sleep,l, anything that can bring me back to them… If I could I would kill Naomi a long time now, but without my grace I am useless. I need myself back… 

\-----  
Dean returned to my room a few hours later and gave me a long, calming hug. He told me that he didn’t want to pressure me, and I felt really better. He said that everyone just worried and Claire a bit more, because of the situation I was when she found me.  
I promised I would call her when I’ll feel ready, something that in my opinion will never happen. I can’t fix myself. No one can’t. I know people around me worry, so I just wish to disappear and makes their lives even more easier…


	5. # Day 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yep, this took long time, sorry for the depression.

It's night. Still problems to sleep. I still see Gabriel yelling at me. That I disappointed him. I wish I could make the nightmares to disappear and sleep for just one day peacefully. I realized that I write this diary only the days I have big problems to rest. I truly can't handle it anymore... But what should I do... I mean... I have no idea what is wrong with me.

He came to my room again today. Dean. "I want you to talk. We need to do this conversation a long time." "Fuck off" I ansewered angry. I hate talking to him like that. But sometimes I can't hold myself. I want to say so many inappropriate things, to express how I feel with the worst way I can. But Dean isn't my fault and I feel guilty every single time. Thank God, Dean is never mad at me and understands me. So, like he did the other times, he sat next to me in the bed. I was a reck as usual. "Cas how do you feel?" he asked. "Exactly the way I look" I said sharply. I really needed my alone time. As I thought. I actually need him here, to know he is here but no talking. No talking. I am not able to deal with anything yet.

So, as he was staring at me full of sadness, I got even more angry. I didn't want anyone to be pity by me. So I stood up and walked away, locked to my bathroom. The last thing I needed was him to start judging and comforting. He stood behind the locked door. "Cas... come on..." he begged. "I want to take a shower" I said with a sharp tone again. And I did. I took off my clothes, not looking to the mirror as my face and my whole body had scars and I was so ashamed. I got in the tub with slow, careful moves and opened the water. A hot shower is one of the few things that really calm me. As the water was falling to my body, I have to admit I felt relieved.

A few moments later I heard Dean, picking the lock and then he got in. I blushed and felt totally ashamed. Dean stared at me because I seemed upset. "Come on Cas, I have seen you naked after Heaven so many times" he said, but I was still ashamed, not staring to his eyes, but staring down. Lately I couldn't stare to his eyes. I was feeling that he could feel my pain and I hated that. So he smiled at me softly, trying to calm me, as I let the water falling to my head, not paying attention how cold it was. I was just staring down. He took off his clothes and then I blushed even more and stared away. "Cas... Come on baby, it's not that big deal" he said. His voice... Aww... this voice when he was saying my shortened name could make me melt, no matter how I was.

So then, he was standing in front of me, naked, so close that I could feel his breath. He smiled and twitched when he saw how cold the water was. "Damn Cas, you'll get a cold, the water is freezing!" he said loud and I stepped back anxious. He fixed the water and then took me to his arms. "Sorry... I just worry" he whispered and I started crying again. How much I hate the noise I make when I cry... It's so annoying... He was hugging me, and I crossed my arms around his neck, and still looking down, pressing my head to his chest. I felt safe to his arms like I always do. I felt for a minute I could be safe, not that hurt, not haunted. Like I could breath for a damn minute... Why life has to hurt that much?

So, a few moments later - none of us wanted to take a bath anymore, we were just staring to each other- he got out from the tub. I curled up, sitting in there and he silently got dressed, he took a towel and wrapped me in it. Then my heart melt when he carried me to my bed. He gave me a plain, white t-shirt and pants to get dressed. Then he gave me a glass of water and medications for God-knows-what. I refused. I knew that they had so many side effects. I had seen that before. But the funny part js that I care for the side effects of antidepressants and I don't care for the way my feelings are eating my soul. Life is funny. Human mind is funny. I finally took the medications again and then he left. I thought he left me saying nothing but he came back with a bowl of soup. I covered my head with the sheets and told him to go. Then I heard him walking away and I couldn't help but saying a simple thank you.

I will thank Dean. For everything he does for me. But maybe later. Maybe when I feel better again. Now, you might ask: You know you'll feel better again? No, I am sure I won't, but I can't leave Dean with false hopes so I try. I try like hell...


	6. # Day 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is way less depressing than the others. Less pain, more hope but angst always take the main part of my stories. I might like this chapter a bit more than the others, I actually have no idea, depends to my mood. I hope you like it, just to make the atmosphere less hurtful. Keep the balance (said the recognized writer 

As I know Dean was looking for me this night. The whole bunker was a mess as we got in and when he found me laying in the entrance of the bunker in the little stairs, he seemed like he lost ten years of his life. He was sweat, red and worried, and when he saw me, he sighed relieved.

" _What happened?_ " I asked rubbing my eyes. I was tired.

" _What happened?_ " Dean repeated out of breath. " _You disappeared you son of a bitch!_ " he yelled and I just kept staring at him confused of how angry he seemed and upset with the fact I sat outside for a little

That night, as usually, I had nightmares so I surprisingly decided I needed fresh air. So as Dean and Sam were sleeping, I moved to the door and laid to the stairs. I just sat there enjoying the starry sky. I had so long to admire how beautiful the night sky was if you were an observer from earth. I still couldn't sleep but it was sure that I could relax for a minute, and enjoy this like my old self would.

And then Dean rushed to my place. Dean explained that he eas worried I got hurt or run away. I was touched of how shit he was, thinking I run away. I was touched by his reaction.

" _Had nightmares and thought to relax a bit staring at the sky_ " I explained and he smiled so wide at me thaf make me smile too after a long time. " _That's a damn good step Cas_ " he said happy.

" _Hope so_ " I answered and get lost in my thoughts again, looking at the sky. Then Dean did the most sweet thing he could do. He lift my head a bit that was resting in the step, and sat as he placed my head to his lap. Thay made me blush and feel good, like I used to.

Aftet a few moments of silence, both staring to the sky, I talked. " _Dean, I miss home_ " I said nostalgic and saw Dean being freaked out.

" _Heaven? But... Cas you were tortured there..._ "

"I _know but I miss heaven like it was before. Not corrupted. It was the place that you could feel peace and happiness. Before God left_ " I sighed.

" _Cas, you can find ten times more peace and happiness here. It's a lo g road to make it through that but you have me and we are gonna do this together. I already feel a piece of heaven having you_ " Dean said. One of the best things Dean ever said to me, that made me cry... Sometimes, in the right times is the most poetic person. ' **Hopeless Romantic'** as Dean says. What he said made me stand up and kiss him. Lately, I might wasn't in the mood to even look at Dean his words warmed my heart that moment.

 _"I am cold_ " I said but actually it was a bit different than what I meant. "I want to cuddle with you inside in the couch" I added and Dean helped me stand up and cuddled in front of tv the rest of the night, me being the 'little spoon' as Dean said. I don't know. I might feel better in the future, who knows.


	7. # Day 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for this, please... There's gonna be a next chapter I swear.

This day was full of emotions. Sometimes I don't know when a day is full or not. Because I know that lately I am too overwhelmed by situations around me. So I prefer to lock myself or keep people away until I feel like I am ready to interact with anyone again. Thank God, Dean understands. So Sam. Sam is way more distant than he used to be. I know the little brother prefers to stay away from complex states like this.

So today I walked in the main room that the boys were sitting. Both looked surprised at me. I surely was unshaved and my hair and clothes messed up. I still wear the same AC/DC shirt that Dean gave me four days ago. But for a minute, I felt I wanted to be around them. I wanted to pay attention to them, and not to my self pity.

" _How are you?"_ both asked as I sat in the couch next to Sam, Dean standing in the library.

" _Better, if you all stopped asking and remind me I am not ok_." I sighed in a really mean, and sarcastic tone that I didn't want to use. Then I looked down ashamed. " _Sorry. What I meant was that I might am better_ " I whispered and heard them sighing. In anger or relief as I hope...

Both were silent so I came back to my room. Dean is yelling my name for a reason. He might thinks I feel alone. I do sometimes but I also have no idea what I actually need anymore. I'll go check at him.

\---

Dean forced a big smile at me, like he always does when I am down, and throw me a book. _"I was searching how to kick the asses of the ones who hurt you.._." he started and I wanted to interrupt him, to tell him not to even dare something like that, but he stopped me. _"... but I thought it would be better to go for a hunt since you feel better_." he said and grinned at me.

I looked at him upset. I wasn't able to hunt yet. Not in any way. Not ever again maybe. I only knew that I was scared. Not only about angels, I was scared at being out there, in that much adrenaline and stress. I would totally freak out. I moved my head as no and stepped back.

Dean looked at me worried, searching something to his bag. " _Come on Cas, it can be really fun, kick some asses like we used to once"_ Dean said in a nostalgic tone, wanting me to unstress. Then he did a smiling face like he found what he was searching to his bag and I saw what it was. An angel blade. He took it and offered to me. " _Welcome **back** in the game_." he said.

I stepped back freaking out. I stared at the blade, as memories from the repeat of the cuts and healing in heaven stuck to my head again. For a year being tortured like that and in more ways no one can imagine. I held my head wanting to cry.

Dean's posture, holding the blade,was exactly as it was up there. But his smile in heaven was evil, he wanted to torture me bad, this Dean hated me and thought I wasn't his family. That I was an abomination and disappointed everyone. I know all there were right. They were. Even if it was Raphael, transformed as Dean, or Gabriel, or Sam, Balthazar and the least of the people I hurt goes on...

Because the worse part that when was up there was that Raphael got into my head and learned all my weaknesses.

I freaked out and rushed to my room, locked in the bathroom. I am still there. I can't do this. I can't get better. I hurt everyone I know by only existing. I hate that.

\---

It's been an hour I am crying here.

Shit, I don't know if I'll even write to this stupid diary again. It's useless. Only if Dean wants to have something that left from me. To know that I loved him, but I loved him too much that I couldn't stand fail him. I don't know what is gonna happen next. My visions returned. I thought I was over but my visions returned. Dammit. Dean is screaming from the outside not to do anything stupid but I am not sure what is the smart choice anymore...

This might be the end of this diary. It didn't help at all. An angel blade screwed everything I hoped to have in future. I am crying and laughing now. _**WHAT FUTURE?**_


	8. # Day 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean grabbed the diary and read it at the hospital. He is nothing more than angry with Cas and he is gonna add a new chapter as Cas is still unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter more inspirated by "The end of the Affair", like I love the hate messages to God and the ones that left life or tried to. Hope you liked it!

_This is gonna be a different chapter. Yeah, I write this chapter for you Cas. It's Dean. It's freakin Dean the one who writes this stupid diary. And I read it. I was that stupid to read it. You know why? Because I found you, bleeding in the floor holding this stupid little notebook and, hell I don't know when you took from me the angel blade._  

 

 _This is me saying I hate you. I hate you for giving up. Not your life but our life. I hate that you even dared to end your life. Why? You thought that I would be better without you? After marking me, by seeing you almost dead, unconscious in the floor? You think that there's any way to move on, after seeing my love, pale, weak, in the hospital bed and the doctors saying: "He'll wake up in a few days" and me waiting all this long like stupid to wake up! Hell, I know you will, I don't know if I'll be able to talk to you again. And I don't know what am I writing now. I love you Cas. Dammit, I love you. I am scared to say it. Because every single person I love dies. And the best part, you_ ** _wanted_** _to die. What have I done to be so wrong? How awful friend am I?_  

 

 _I did my best Cas. To help you recover. I search months now how to kill Raphael for what he did to you. But as it seemed it wasn't enough to keep you alive. I never was enough to make you think: "I can't leave him behind." Because this is what you tried to do Cas! I am not leaving your side. Ever. Not like you did! Yes, I've done it before. But you promised Cas! You promised that night that you'll try to get better. You promised to take your medications, you promised not to lie to me again of how you were feeling._  

 

 _And the best part? Yes Cas, I blame you for one thing. For pointing the fact that I did all this to you. That I break you worse than heaven, then Raphael, anyone. I was that stupid to make you freak out. To make you have visions again... now... Now that we all thought you were recovering finally and I broke everything again..._  

 

 _I hate you Cas. And I hope you can read this as you wake up. Because I won't be able to say any of these. Just take a taste of how pain I felt all these days I waited for you to wake up. How would you feel if I tried to kill myself? Because I didn't want to fail you??? These are bullshit Cas! How would you fail me, more than I fail you every damn minute. I had enough of your self-hate and mine too! So you will wake up soon, you will take your medications, you will do anything that needs and you'll be back to your old self no matter what. Me and Sam will do anything that takes. And if there are times you feel like you want to rip your heart? Turn to this page. See that I write how much I hate you for loving you that much. Because you are my love Cas. I would take your place if I was able to. I would take all the pain to me and even if it was needed, ten times stronger. Because I can't watch you suffer. And you won't anymore. I swear._  

 

 _Just don't give up you son of a bitch. You can't imagine how angry I am. Inwish I could punch you right now. But I won't. I love you Cas. And I'll wait for you to come back. Even if I still hate you for doing this. You failed me. You were right. By doing this. So don't do this again. Don't leave me alone again. Don't leave me back for your egoistic reasons. Ok, buddy?_  

 


End file.
